in love...

ive been in love with the same person for 10 years... just recently he told me he started seeing someone new...  why did i feel my heart just break.  I should be use to it... thats the reason i know we couldnt have been together.

Going out with friends is fun and it almost took my mind off of things... almost took my mind off of not being able to be where i wanted to be and who i wanted to be with. Im still a little mad about that. as much as I put him first... something comes up and he cant do the same for me. I knew that it was only a matter of time.

If he had said the words that i needed to hear the situaltion would be different.  part of me is still waiting to hear those words.

a long day...

work....  home.. life..

draining.  I feel mentally, physically and emotionally drained. Since i have had this flippin bronchitis, i havent slept well.  a few days ago the cough let up but i still cant sleep.  maybe its the meds or maybe itsjust me.  but lately ive been so tired at work and just want to sleep. I should be alseep right now.

My head is filled with so many things.  I am so utterly xhausted with the amout of stuff i have do.. 

I need a vacay.... spring break is like 3 more weeks away.  I need a trip to atlanta.  I need to be around people who get me. sad to say the person Im with just doesnt get me. After tonite be better not mention anything about me going out when i go out of town.  He says that whenever we go out together he is always spending the nite making sure im ok....  I thought that what couples do!   but he i guess im wrong.  So i will remember that reason the next time I go out.  hmmm...

On the hunt for the perfect shoes...

there they were staring at me... the sexiest pair of pumps I have ever seen.  right there in Aldos.  and they were in 3 different colors.  Hmm...  the plan is to buy them in each color, to wear with what... i dont know but im sure i can find something.

I have been eyeing these pumps for a month now.  hoping they would go on sale   but no luck.  I guess I am just going to have to get them the good old fashioned way. 

ok so I went shopping.. bought some cute jeans and 2 tops that are really cute.  Ive been wantin a pair of skinny jeans but I keep realizin that my body  is not shaped for it.  But I managed to find a cute pair that didnt make me look like a pear. I was quite proud of my self.     I had to come home and hide my self rewards...lol.. i know that's bad but i just feel like hearing about how much i spend...  i work  hard for my money.

Valentines Day!!!

Spent V-day in bed...lol.. and not in a good way.  Somehow I had managed to catch a cold.

Medicine and plenty of liquids... what a way to spent the day.

I got to thinking...  that can be a very dangerous thing for me to do.  I am not spending this day the way I thought I would. With all the things that have been happening in my life, the feelings that I have been having as if something just wasnt right. A mind filled with questions,  did I make the right choice?  why does this seem so hard?  what is wrong with me?

I swear its time for me to start making some changes.

A day in the life...

So today I take "him" shopping for Valentines day. I get accused of getting my money from someone else. I work extrememly hard for the money I make and did not tutor after work and teach saturday school to not have money. I felt extremely insulted that I would have gotten money from some other person.... If I had I would have spent it on myself not him... come on give me a break. It seems like everything I do, I have to have a reason for doing it. I'm getting tired of trying. It is hard and it makes me unhappy. Everything I do is either questioned or not good enough.

Fear...

Looking back, I realize that I have thoroughly messed up. Somewhere along the way, my life got truly complicated. I have a good life... but something is still missing. I want more. I need more. I do know what is missing.

Scared.... thats the word that got me into this mess. If I had been strong enough to go after what I wanted, I wouldnt feel stuck in the life that I have. I prayed and prayed that God would direct me in the right direction. I must have missed the signs and made a wrong turn. Or maybe I saw the signs but chose to continue on. I continue to pray over things. I ask that God give me strength. I ask that he continue to bless me even though I was too scared to face the truth. I ask him to make things right again.

I am filled with so many feelings. Some I can share and many I can not. My shoulders are heavy with the weight of my world upon them.